I’m really not sure I believe myself some days. On my “down days”, sometimes I think I’ve done too much thinking and not enough doing. Perhaps that is really the source of my depression. Perhaps, it’s not even real. The grey veil or black dog or whatever I call it these days, is just a result of wasted talent and idle hands.
For the longest time I lived for art (writing/music/visual), and it was all I was good at. Then I discovered I had talents in other areas that I hadn’t ever thought. People starting peppering me with these strange comments and suggestions as to what I should do with my life and why. They filled me with all these great expectations when my desires were really simple. All I wanted to do with my life was create. Whether it was creating novels or art or models, I just wanted to create something that would last.
Then the expectations grew. It wasn’t good enough to be curious or creative. I had to be a lawyer, a legal assistant, a marketer, a business woman, a… something. All these expectations have grown into a beast of Self-Doubt that I can’t even contain. Most days this beast of Self-Doubt is so huge that it paralyzes me and prevents me from doing anything remotely useful or creative. It’s just there, sapping all the creative energy from me. All the energy from me in general, really.
I just go through my day performing tasks for others, pleasing others, and rarely (if ever) doing anything for myself. Some people are perfectly happy living their lives for others. I can respect that. But when I wake up every morning wondering why I bother and why I haven’t just drank myself into a ditch somewhere… something’s amiss.
I don’t think that’s depression. I think that’s dissatisfaction with life. I think that’s being misunderstood and filled with unrealistic expectations, and disappointment when those expectations are not met.
I remember there was a time where curiosity about life and creativity kept my inner fires burning bright. Now I don’t know anymore.
Call it depression. Call it whatever you want. But I don’t think it’s all in my head. Thank you for listening to my caffeine-fueled ramblings.